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Private message to Ron
As you probably noticed, they gave me my journal back. I asked for it so I could write to Mum and Bill, because I still don't really want to see them yet. Charlie said he thought I was allowed to take as long as I needed. But I thought I could write to them, anyway, that would be something.
I feel like I should tell you
I told Luna today that I feel like the worst Gryffindor of all time. I couldn't -- when they took me into the interrogation room I told myself I wouldn't say anything, I'd hold out, but it wasn't much time at all before I'd told them everything I knew, everything I thought I knew, and started begging them to stop cruciating me. (They didn't.) When I joined the Order I told Hermione Granger I'd die before I told them the Order's secrets, and that turned out to be a lie. I mean, if I could have died I would have. I'd have done anything to get away. I mean, literally anything. If the only way to kill myself had been setting myself on fire I'd have done it. I tried to kill myself with a bed spring, later that night, but they caught me and took it away.
So she was right about me, after all. I was a failure as an Order member. I was a failure as a family member. If they'd offered to stop cruciating me if I'd killed one of you I'm pretty sure I'd have done it. As it was the only way to get them to stop was to break Mum's heart and I did that.
When they caught Neville, he had Hydra break his mind with cruciatus. He ASKED her. To make sure he wouldn't do what I did, and give everything away. Hermione and Draco held out until they were rescued and saved all of us.
I didn't.
Luna said I should think of it like her lycanthropy. Once a month she loses her mind, more or less, because that's what lycanthropy does. And this is what cruciatus does to people, it strips away ... who they thought they were. It breaks them apart. That I can't blame myself for what they did to me any more than she can blame herself for what they did to her.
But Ron it's so hard.
I told Luna today that I feel like the worst Gryffindor of all time. I couldn't -- when they took me into the interrogation room I told myself I wouldn't say anything, I'd hold out, but it wasn't much time at all before I'd told them everything I knew, everything I thought I knew, and started begging them to stop cruciating me. (They didn't.) When I joined the Order I told Hermione Granger I'd die before I told them the Order's secrets, and that turned out to be a lie. I mean, if I could have died I would have. I'd have done anything to get away. I mean, literally anything. If the only way to kill myself had been setting myself on fire I'd have done it. I tried to kill myself with a bed spring, later that night, but they caught me and took it away.
So she was right about me, after all. I was a failure as an Order member. I was a failure as a family member. If they'd offered to stop cruciating me if I'd killed one of you I'm pretty sure I'd have done it. As it was the only way to get them to stop was to break Mum's heart and I did that.
When they caught Neville, he had Hydra break his mind with cruciatus. He ASKED her. To make sure he wouldn't do what I did, and give everything away. Hermione and Draco held out until they were rescued and saved all of us.
I didn't.
Luna said I should think of it like her lycanthropy. Once a month she loses her mind, more or less, because that's what lycanthropy does. And this is what cruciatus does to people, it strips away ... who they thought they were. It breaks them apart. That I can't blame myself for what they did to me any more than she can blame herself for what they did to her.
But Ron it's so hard.