Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

As you probably noticed, they gave me my journal back. I asked for it so I could write to Mum and Bill, because I still don't really want to see them yet. Charlie said he thought I was allowed to take as long as I needed. But I thought I could write to them, anyway, that would be something.

I feel like I should tell you

I told Luna today that I feel like the worst Gryffindor of all time. I couldn't -- when they took me into the interrogation room I told myself I wouldn't say anything, I'd hold out, but it wasn't much time at all before I'd told them everything I knew, everything I thought I knew, and started begging them to stop cruciating me. (They didn't.) When I joined the Order I told Hermione Granger I'd die before I told them the Order's secrets, and that turned out to be a lie. I mean, if I could have died I would have. I'd have done anything to get away. I mean, literally anything. If the only way to kill myself had been setting myself on fire I'd have done it. I tried to kill myself with a bed spring, later that night, but they caught me and took it away.

So she was right about me, after all. I was a failure as an Order member. I was a failure as a family member. If they'd offered to stop cruciating me if I'd killed one of you I'm pretty sure I'd have done it. As it was the only way to get them to stop was to break Mum's heart and I did that.

When they caught Neville, he had Hydra break his mind with cruciatus. He ASKED her. To make sure he wouldn't do what I did, and give everything away. Hermione and Draco held out until they were rescued and saved all of us.

I didn't.

Luna said I should think of it like her lycanthropy. Once a month she loses her mind, more or less, because that's what lycanthropy does. And this is what cruciatus does to people, it strips away ... who they thought they were. It breaks them apart. That I can't blame myself for what they did to me any more than she can blame herself for what they did to her.

But Ron it's so hard.

Comments

[alt_ron]

Yeah. Course it is.

I-

Look, I'm not going to tell you what you ought to think or feel about any of it, but don't compare yourself to Hermione or Draco--it was totally different what they had to face and how long. And you didn't have Hydra there to do for you what she did for Neville. You didn't have anyone. We couldn't get to you to help.

The thing I want you to know, though, is something you know already. It hurt Mum a lot, but Mum's Mum. It wasn't you that broke her heart, it was what Dolohov and the rest did to you. And her heart's not really broken. That's the thing about her heart. She's always going to love you just as much as she always has, ever since the first minute you were alive.

The rest of us do, too. But I know it matters most about Mum, knowing she's still- I promise, Gin, she's beside herself wanting to tell you that the only thing that matters to her is that you're alive and safe, and that she can see you again. (She'll say a bunch of other gloopy stuff, too. You know she will. And she'll mean all of it.)

I'm not sure whether I can visit this afternoon. I may get sent off on another job still. I'll let you know, though, if I can come, so you can tell me to bugger off if you're tired of my bad jokes and ugly mug.

[alt_ginny]

I won't tell you to bugger off.

[alt_ron]

Cheers, you.


What do you call a familiar with the sniffles?

[alt_ginny]

I don't know.

What DO you call a familiar with the sniffles?

[alt_ron]

A Skneazle!

[alt_ginny]

That is the worst joke I've ever heard.

[alt_ron]

Score!

I mean, you can't say I don't try!

[alt_ginny]

I'd draw you a picture of little stick figure people falling down laughing but you're much better at that charm than I am.

[alt_ron]

One of my best skills. I'm much better at that, say, than the one that straightens up everything on the desktop. Or keeps stuff in the bureau drawers tidy.