Private message to the 7th Year Hogwarts students

[alt_ginny]

You should know that yesterday, I used polyjuice to take Ron's place guarding the Great Hall, so that he could slip away and go to help with the plan that was used to kill the Lord Protector (who's dead, really dead, just so you know. Dead forever.)

Anyway for most of the afternoon and during the battle until the polyjuice wore off, that was me you were seeing, not Ron. When Desai had Pansy cruciated -- that was me doing it. So, don't blame Ron for that. Although if he'd been there, I think he probably would have done it too, because the purpose of the singing was to create a distraction so we could all get our wands back.

Pansy, I'm really really sorry, though.

Comments

[alt_ron]

You did the right thing, Gin. Really.

Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

I know I did. But I also did a completely horrifying thing and I don't know what to do with that.

How did you manage? I mean -- you were in Auror training. You thought, we all thought, you might be Marked. They made you do all kinds of horrible things that you had to just do to keep your cover and

well

I don't know what I'm asking exactly.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ron]

The Auror trainers call it compartmentalising.

It does make it better.

Basically, you think about other things. It's like occluding, only with guilt. I guess. I was shite at occluding, but really excellent at compartmentalising.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

Oh, I see.

Yeah. While it was happening, I mean while I was doing it, I was doing that. It wasn't even hard.

But then afterwards, I could hardly look at Pansy. Or Sally-Anne. And part of me was even angry at Pansy, for making me have to do this? Even though I knew why.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ron]

Oh, yeah, well. Welcome to the Noble Arts. That whole anger thing's how the spells hook you in so it's easier and easier to find the fervour for casting, the will for it. The guilt you feel--either you stick it away someplace you can't feel it or you transfigure it into anger and then use it to do more.

Thing is...

Mum and Dad brought us up thinking that dark arts were something our family could never do, that they'd never consider doing, yeah? Only, I actually think our family is naturally really good at them.

I mean, I've seen you in the salle. And there's Bill, innit?

And Percy.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

Oh.

Yeah.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

I thought it was the tiara. Diadem, I mean.

I thought it had

I mean

When I had to cast cruciatus that's what I tried to remember, how I felt when I put it on. And it worked. It worked really well.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ron]

Oh, yeah. Definitely.


Last night, I felt like I'd finally found the way to be better at something than the rest of them. The rest of you. I mean, it made me remember how, y'know, it feels to be youngest. Or not even youngest, but just the one too many. Another bloody boy that wasn't needed or what they were hoping for, who wasn't quicker or cleverer, and wasn't as creative or skilled, and couldn't keep up when the others were learning charms or flying brooms or playing chess. Well, maybe, in chess I was better.

I don't know what I thought I was going to do with it, but I know I thought I'd found what I was really meant for. And if anyone had followed me to that cave last night, I'd've fought like I've never fought before, and I bet I'd've been stronger and faster and truer than ever. I'd've believed I was unbeatable. I'd've killed anybody who'd tried to take it from me. Even Sally Anne, I think. Or you.

I wasn't going to destroy it. I don't even know what would've happened. If I could've fought it off. Didn't seem like it then.

Only, it wasn't a person who came to change my mind. It was Fawkes, and he brought me Gryffindor's sword, and that was something. But I don't think I'd've used it. Except Fawkes began singing, and I could feel it just take the poison out. I just let it go.

But I think I know what you mean now. About the diadem.

And you had it months.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

Really, you think -- Mum and Dad?

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ron]

I don't know whether either of them ever-

Only, if they had done, I think they'd've been really good at it.

Mum- yeah. And I think Dad, too, though he'd hate it if he knew I thought so. He'd feel like a failure, y'know?

Sorry, but I mean, now I've thought it, I can't unthink it.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

Well if you're right what matters is that he never did, right?

They could have, and they chose not to. Choose not to, in Mum's case.

That's what makes them different from, oh, Hydra's parents. Or Draco's. Not whether they could use Dark Arts but whether they do.

I still don't know what that says about me, though.

Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

You're never going to be Marked, now. You won't have to do it. Justin, either.

And if you join MLE to be an Auror you'll be an Auror like Frank or Alice Longbottom. Or like Kingsley was.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ron]

Yeah.

Today is an excellent day. Mind you, yesterday was not.

Re: Private message to Ron

[alt_ginny]

Yesterday was awful.

I decided today started once the sun came back up. Today's been good.

[alt_pansy]

ginny, it'S going to be okaY.

I am Grateful for whaT you did. it helped providE cover, anD No one elsE got Hurt, whicH made all the differencE When we needed to fighT.

I knew.

I kneW I was going to geT in troublE. Thought they'd just up and kilL me. I'm sO Sorry you were Put in that positioN, and I'm sO very glad it didn'T Come to that.

we'rE Both alive, and I'll be fine. I promisE.

There's nothinG to forgive, but I forgive yoU all the same, iF That helps.

[alt_susan]

At the time I thought "Ron" was taking it a bit far--but I didn't know everything that was at stake. It would have been a REALLY bad time for Desai to have questions about your loyalty. Er--Ron's loyalty.

You know what I meant.